What I want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I've been a good columnist this year, and I deserve lots of presents. I've handed in my columns on time, I've been cooperative with all of my editor's suggested changes (even though you and I know that I have always been right), I've made a few people laugh, and I've responded to a huge amount of mail. I've also stopped saying "but I digress" and using fake XML tags for emphasis.

On the minus side, I've enraged a few people (I loved the response posted to a Network World online forum that began, "You are an idiot") and got enraged myself over a number of issues that I should have been more sanguine over.

On balance, I've been more nice than naughty, so might I suggest that I deserve a seriously good Christmas. It's not like I'm asking for much . . .

Gift 1: I know I've been beating this particular topic to death over the past few months, but could I please have a useable version of Windows? I'd trade all other presents to get just this one.

I don't believe the statistic that I read some months ago - that the average user reboots four times per week. I reckon that should have been four times per day, although four times per hour would come as no surprise. I just want to never have to reboot to install software, never have to track down corrupted DLLs and . . .

Gift 2: . . . not have the display of my HP Pavilion 8485Z running Windows 98 freeze whenever I try, for example, to save a PowerPoint presentation.

That's honestly what happens - the PC is still running, but the display doesn't get updated. I've applied every update and patch I could find for video drivers, Office 2000, the operating system, you name it. But every time I use PowerPoint (and occasionally other applications), I still wind up with a frozen screen. Have you ever tried to shut down a PC with the screen off? I have to hit control-alt-delete and then guess from the flashing of the disk drive light what the software is doing. Honest, there are times when I could drop-kick the damn system.

Gift 3: Can I please hear no more about the Department of Justice (DOJ) antitrust suit against Microsoft? It has really gotten stale, and unless the press can find something interesting about Bill himself, like his days of gunrunning to Castro or his previous life as an exotic dancer, I say let's move on.

Yes, I know Bill is the antichrist and we will ultimately blame the collapse of civilization as we know it on him, but I'd prefer it if we stopped talking, did something about it and moved on. After all, this is Internet time, and Internet time waits for no bureaucracy.

Gift 4: A faster Internet connection. I have DSL, but what I really want is something more like OC-48. I'm not being too greedy, am I?

Gift 5: This is a minor request: Stop IBM from using those ads with the skinny guy holding the "That's the software IBM makes" placards. They are, for some reason, damn irritating.

Gift 6: Please give Novell a marketing department.

Gift 7: While I'm being generous, give a clue to the politicians and all others who sound off about the big, bad Internet. I have written extensively on the topic of how politicians and a host of others who don't get it cite the Internet as the cause of everything from violence to bad breath. Like the Microsoft-DOJ thing, it has gotten stale. Perhaps you could help me start a "Don't blame the 'Net" campaign.

Gift 8: Another year writing "Backspin."

Thanks Santa, and Merry Christmas to all.

Mince pies to nwcolumn@gibbs.com