10 reasons you shouldn't believe in UFOs

Not that I'm telling what to believe

Former Arizona Gov. Fife Symington and his band of others are out beating the drums so loudly about UFOs that they might be heard on another planet. I just watched this Larry King interview ... and the stories these men tell are remarkable; just not remarkable enough to convert me from a lifelong skeptic into a believer.

Here are 10 of my reasons why, which you should consider yourself free to adopt:

No alien monkey wrench. This is not an original thought, but I've always found it a compelling one. Earthlings have littered the solar system with tons of space junk and yet no one has come forward with anything that we can all agree had to have been left behind by one of these multitudes of visitors from other planets.

There are no secrets. You say the space junk exists but it's being kept hidden by governments including our own? Phooey. First of all, our leaders would never do such a thing (don't make use an emoticon). Moreover and much more seriously, people who cling to this belief simply do not understand how lousy governments are at keeping secrets. Those who think the media is involved in the cover-up - like my own brother, for crying out loud - have no idea how many journalists would trade one of their own children for a scoop of this magnitude. And remember, the cover-up needs to have been ongoing flawlessly for generations now to support the theory.

[MythBusters on moon landing 'hoax']

No indisputable visual evidence. That kind of proof is necessary to overturn a ref's call in a football game, so it's necessary if we're going to believe in alien visitors. Ah, but what about all the fuzzy pictures and grainy footage, you say? Well, the fact that we're going to argue about whether any of it is indisputable means those pictures and home movies do not amount to what's needed here. Geraldo Rivera posing with a foot up on a spacecraft bumper: That I'll believe.

This is indisputable: Dreams, hallucinations, pranksters and optical illusions are unquestionably real.

Alien beings are too quiet. They can get here, but do not communicate, especially with world leaders or journalists? I know, I know, they're afraid of spooking us. Guess what? We're already spooked and they should be plenty smart enough to understand that fact. (By the way, I'm available for an interview, should any alien be reading this blog. I will not, however, give up one of my children.)

[FOR SALE: The nuclear fallout bunker of your dreams]

My pet SouthPark theory: The episode of South Park where Cartman gets - well, I have to worry about spam filters here - wouldn't be anywhere near as funny if UFOs were real spacecraft carrying real alien visitors. That's not supportive of my position, I'm just saying.

Tick-tock, people: This debate has been going on for eons and the pro-UFO crowd hasn't been able to make a case that the anti-UFO crowd will buy. Speaking for the latter, it's not that we don't want to believe or cannot be persuaded, it's that the evidence - which as Carl Sagan famously said needs to be extraordinary - remains extraordinarily weak.

We can't find them. Not for a lack of trying, mind you. SETI, to cite only one example, has been around since 1960 and SETI@home has been crowdsourcing this baby like nobody's business since 1999. Nada. I understand that our means of searching are primitive compared to what it would take to transport an alien being from a distant planet to Earth, but we're a lot smarter than we used to be and still unable to find anyone out there. By the way: Not believing that aliens have visited here isn't the same thing as not believing in them period. I'm willing to take it on faith that there's something life-like out there somewhere.

It's not my job; it's not your job. We have real lives to live, and besides, you can't prove a negative. The onus here is on the true believers. I'm not saying that every last skeptic needs to be converted - after all, some believe the Earth is flat and that O.J. was innocent. We'll settle for the reasonable-man-or-woman standard. I'm reasonable: Start with convincing me.

I've never seen a Star Trek movie. Again, I'm not saying this constitutes evidence of anything, just that it might help explain why I don't believe.

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