The Onion’s 9 best bits about Microsoft
By Paul McNamara,
Network World |
Oct 8, 2014 11:03 AM
PT
Poking fun at the software giant and founder Bill Gates since 1996
The Onion, self-branded "America's Finest News Source," has been making fun of Microsoft - and, in particular, Bill Gates - since at least 1996, according to its online archive. Here are nine of what we've judged to be the best efforts.
Publication date: July 23, 1996
Sample: "Don't touch anything until you're sure it's not part of my half," Gates instructed the world's citizenry yesterday via the several million 40-foot-high projection screens he has scattered throughout the globe. "I don't want anyone messing up stuff in my half."
Published: Sept. 22, 2011
Sample: "The kids were in bed, and I was thinking about how it had been a long time since I'd heard any Yes, so I bought the MP3 for 'Leave It,'" Gates said as he opened one of the 13,846 boxes that had arrived at his house.
Published: March 25, 1998
Sample: "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."
Published: Dec. 17, 2007
Sample: The sleek new Zune, whose record-breaking sales have made the Zune name synonymous with "mp3 player," was so sought-after that thousands formed long lines outside hip, minimalist Microsoft Stores across the country days before the device went on sale. In Midtown Manhattan, the hysteria reached such a fever pitch that some were willing to pay as much as $200 for a spot in line.
Published: Jan. 21, 1998
Sample: Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson.
Published: Oct. 27, 2008
Sample: The Microsoft ads, which began airing earlier this week, are being blamed for generating critical system errors in more than 70 million televisions. In addition, thousands of frustrated Americans said that the ads have caused their TVs to become unresponsive, their screens to turn blue, and a small box with the message "terminal application error" to suddenly appear.
Published: Sept. 12, 2001
Sample: "I listened to it a few times when I first got it, but it just wasn't grabbing me," Gates told The Seattle Post-Intelligencer.
Sample from video: "TechBuzz is raving. ‘This is the future of gaming. With the Xbox One we are closer than ever to being completely piloted by a console. It's the immersive obedience experience we’ve been waiting for."
Published: Feb. 27, 2006
Sample: Peters challenged the computer after an interoffice memo announced that Excel's powerful upgraded accounting software would render jobs in the accounts receivable division obsolete and result in sweeping layoffs. Although warned repeatedly by his colleagues in billing, Peters insisted that he could beat the software "to the bottom of a large balance sheet of bedrock-hard figures."
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