The Onion’s 10 greatest gags about Google

“America’s Finest News Source,” better known as The Onion, has been poking fun at Google for more than a decade. Here are 10 of what we believe are its better efforts.

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Targeting Google

“America’s Finest News Source,” better known as The Onion, has been poking fun at Google for more than a decade. Here are 10 of what we believe are its better efforts.

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Teacher Just Hopes They Never Google Him

Published: Aug 22, 2012

Sample: "I mean, they wouldn't, right? Why would any of those kids bother Googling me? There's no reason to think they would." Sources confirmed a panicking Wilkinson later updated his résumé after realizing that when you type his name into Google, it's the first result.

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Credit: The Onion
Clinton Googles self

Published: Dec. 20, 2003

Sample: "I found a Clinton-sex crossword puzzle, a web site for something called the 'Clinton Dance,' and this one where you can warp my face," Clinton said. "My favorite site was Sincerelybill.com, where you can make a video of me saying stuff. I sent one to [Clinton's former Secretary of Agriculture] Dan Glickman. It said, 'I'm a consideration. We've testified to watching inappropriate neighbors.' He's gonna love that."

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Credit: The Onion
Google Responds To Privacy Concerns With Unsettlingly Specific Apology

Published: March 2, 2010

Sample: "I'd like nothing more than to apologize in person to everyone we've let down, but as you can see, many of our users are rarely home at this hour," said Google cofounder and president Sergey Brin, pointing to several Google Map street-view shots of empty bedroom and living room windows on a projection screen behind him. "And, if last night's searches are any indication, Boston's Robert Hornick is probably out shopping right now for the spaghetti and clam sauce he'll be cooking tonight."

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Credit: The Onion
New Google Streep View To Provide Panoramic Imagery Of Meryl Streep

Published: Dec. 5, 2013

Sample: “For the first time, Google users are not merely limited to marking Streep locations on a map, but can also see her from any angle or scale they wish,” Google CEO Larry Page announced at a press event. “Furthermore, our fleet of Streep View vans is working 24-7 to photograph every square centimeter of her surface and create a truly seamless Meryl-navigation experience.”

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Credit: The Onion
Google Announces Plan To Destroy All Information It Can't Index

Published: Aug. 31, 2005

Sample: "A year ago, Google offered to scan every book on the planet for its Google Print project. Now, they are promising to burn the rest," John Battelle wrote in his widely read ‘Searchblog.’ "Thanks to Google Purge, you'll never have to worry that your search has missed some obscure book, because that book will no longer exist. And the same goes for movies, art, and music."

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Google Employees Disappointed 15th Anniversary Party Only Has One Solar-Powered Lego Drag Race Reffed By David Pogue

Published: Sept. 27, 2013

Sample: “Today was definitely a letdown, given all of our expectations,” said Google programmer Cheryl Kendrick, saying that she and fellow coworkers were underwhelmed by the mere three different types of insect robots they were given to battle with, and that the field used to play billiards with giant inflatable balls did not look enough like a pool table and was a bit small.

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Website's Built-In Search Engine Just Pathetic

Published: July 22, 2013

Sample: “In fact, even when I typed in the exact headline of the article, it told me no results could be found.” As of press time, Dunning had reportedly abandoned the website’s search bar, Googled what she was looking for, and found it on her first attempt.”

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Pau Gasol Googles 'Lakers + Celtics + Rivalry'

Published: June 5, 2008

Sample: "Listen to this," the visibly impressed Gasol said before reading from a printout of the Wikipedia page. "'The rivalry originated in the 1960s, when the Celtics defeated the Lakers six times in eight years to claim the championship. The classic matchup featured greats such as Bill Russell and Bob Cousy for Boston, and Elgin Baylor, Joe Montana, and Jerry West for Los Angeles.'" … "Man," Gasol added, "I wish those guys were still alive. I would love to talk to them about it."

Credit: YouTube.com
Google Opt-Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

(Undated)

Sample: “They call it ‘The Opt-Out Village’ and it’s just what you’d expect from Google. … ‘If you want to keep your information private, all you have to do is move to our 22-acre opt-out village and not speak to anyone from the outside world. It’s very simple.’ ”

Credit: YouTube.com
Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked

(Undated)

Sample: “The Romney campaign has been silent all morning on what appears to be the candidate’s leaked Google search history, which includes searches such as ‘average wife life span,’ ‘normal way for men to shake hands,’ and ‘must the president look at people.’”