6 useless iPad apps

Worried your life has too much purpose? Try downloading these.

Wasting your time in six easy steps

When the iPad arrived last week, Apple lovers everywhere began dreaming of the enticing new applications that the device would support. After all, if the iPhone could launch killer applications with a mere 3.5-inch screen, imagine what sorts of apps the iPad could handle with a 9.7-inch screen and a resolution of 1024x768 pixels.

But just because an application has better graphics doesn't necessarily make it relevant to your life. Indeed, the iPad app store is currently loaded with hilariously purposeless apps that would remain useless even if their graphics were displayed on a futuristic 4D screen capable of rupturing space-time. In this slideshow, we'll walk you through the most mundane new applications for the hottest new computing device and let you know what you'll have to pay for the privilege of having them waste your time.

Paper Football HD

Paper Football HD
Developer:
Jirbo
Price: Free, although you can upgrade to a "premium" edition

The fun of most sports games is that we get to imitate the actions of athletes who are vastly more talented and skilled than we'll ever be. Whether it's catching a goal line fade pass, striking out a batter with 95 mph heat or hitting a buzzer-beating three-point shot, these games let us simulate the most exciting moments in professional sports.

Paper Football HD, on the other hand, lets us relive the excitement of an impromptu game we used to play in high school while bored in detention. The best part of this game is that it actually has a "premium edition" that you can buy for 99 cents, although its iTunes page doesn't spell out what new features you get for your cash. Maybe it simulates the experience of having classmates hurl spitballs at you.

Bubble Wrap Fun

Bubble Wrap Fun
Developer:
Lima Sky
Price: 99 cents

Much like Paper Football, Bubble Wrap fails to distinguish between activities that are actually fun vs. activities that we only do during periods of desperate boredom. Maybe in the future we can look forward to iPad apps that let us twirl virtual hair or that simulate the experience of counting padiddles while on virtual road trips.

In addition to creating a virtual version of a not-so-exciting activity, Bubble Wrap also fails to simulate the best feature of popping actual bubble wrap – namely, the satisfaction you get from feeling the plastic air pockets collapse under your thumbs.

iBeerkeg

iBeerkeg
Developer:
Hottrix
Price: $2.99

This app describes itself as "THE interactive liquid simulation for iPad." Which raises the question – is there any activity that is so mundane that even the iPad won't try to simulate it? Will we be treated next month to an app that bills itself as "THE interactive toe-clipping simulation for the iPad?"

Also: For $2.99 you could buy a couple of cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. That might be more fun than paying $2.99 to drink virtual beer.

Lose Weight Now Hypnosis HD Video App

Lose Weight Now Hypnosis HD Video App by Glenn Harrold
Developer:
i-mobilize
Price: $9.99

You can see a video sample of this app here . Basically, it boils down to watching a bunch of trippy spinny graphics while a soothing British man sends you soothing British messages about you being in control of your weight.

Does this sort of thing actually work? Color me skeptical, but it would be really fun to mess with the program's audio and replace the soothing weight-loss messages with hypnotic messages along the lines of "Twinkees… You are reaching for the Twinkees. You are stuffing them in your face all at once…. You are in control of your Twinkees."

Laugh Out Loud for Health

Laugh Out Loud for Health
Developer:
Health Monitor Network
Price: Free

The point of this app is that you shake your iPad and then a joke pops up on your screen. And then, presuming you laugh at the joke, you'll burn calories and very, very, very slowly lose weight.

That's presuming you laugh, of course. Here's a sample joke from the app's Web site: "What is the difference between swine flu and bird flu? With bird flu, you tweet it. Swine flu you just use oinkment." I think you'd have more success with this app if you hired Glenn Harrold to spin trippy pictures in front of you while saying, "You are laughing… you are finding the jokes funny… they will help you control your weight."

Spin the Bottle HD

Spin the Bottle HD
Developer:
plaincode
Price: Free, although they warn that they're developing a paid version coming soon.

If you're a sane person, your first reaction to this app is, "Why not just use a real bottle?" The developers of Spin the Bottle HD anticipated this criticism and preemptively answered it on their iTunes page by imploring users to "please don't complain you could use any other bottle too" because "this electronic bottle is environment friendly, portable and lasts long!" So there you have it – if you want to save the environment, you download Spin the Bottle HD onto your iPad.

We want to hear from YOU! Do you have other apps that are just plain useless? Let us know.

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