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We know that e-mail forwarding is often the bane of your day. But the
messages that make you laugh are arguably worth the system overhead. We’ve scoured our in-boxes and the Web to bring you some of the funniest computer and networking jokes the Internet has to offer.
Quick to the punchline. Most jokes on the Internet run hundreds of words. But sometimes, less is more:
There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.
Unix is user-friendly - it's just picky about its friends.
Microsoft manager to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
Computer malfunction: The faulty interface is between the chair and the keyboard.
All computers wait at the same speed.
Internet classics. Need we say more?
"Four engineers" - There are four engineers traveling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer. "Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and ask: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again ..."
"Subject: acronyms"
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business-Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Infuriating Silly Parentheses
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
 "The oldest profession" - A doctor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were sitting around late one night, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore surgery was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible stating that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
The funny ditty - This one is to the tune of the Beatles classic.:
Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, there's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong. What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday, The need for backups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay. Now I believe in yesterday.
Sick humor
The Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
The Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
The Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional Virus No. 1: Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus No. 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
The Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
The PBS Virus: Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
The Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Nobody can find it.
A signature smile: An e-mail signature is like a hat: Its presence tells a lot about the wearer.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Usenet is essentially a HUGE group of people passing notes in class.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Standards are the industry's way of codifying obsolescence.
Surfing for snickers
If this isn't enough, check out the following joke sites, all filled with humor only the technically inclined would enjoy (and understand).
Related links
Where's Dilbert's mom?
Adam Gaffin gives a list of his favorite network-related joke sites. Network World, 10/25/99.
Bastard Operator from Hell site
CaveBear's Catalog of Super Performance Products For Your Network
Unix Humor
Joke-of-the-Day Web site
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