Doctors Twittering from the operating room is yesterday's news. "Brain Surgery Cam"? Now that one got my attention while reading the May 24 edition of The New York Times:

"The point of Shila Renee Mullins's brain surgery was to remove a malignant tumor threatening to paralyze her left side," the story began. "But Methodist University Hospital in Memphis also saw an opportunity to promote the hospital to prospective patients. So, a video Webcast of Ms. Mullins's awake craniotomy, in which the patient remains conscious and talking while surgeons prod and cut inside her brain, was promoted with infomercials and newspaper advertisements featuring a photograph of a beautiful model, not Ms. Mullins."

While "Brain Surgery Cams" are already all the rage on YouTube — go take a look, if you have the stomach — medical industry ethicists quoted by the Times did raise concerns about such practices. Of course, these ethicists do not understand today's healthcare marketplace … nor do they watch much reality TV.

That's why I am here to help. And, whereas the "healthcare marketing consultant" quoted by the newspaper would charge a healthy arm and a leg for this kind of advice, I offer the following marketing concepts free to any hospital willing to name a wing after me.

Who's Faking Cam: We've all seen those hospital pain charts: scale of 1 to 10 … 1 is realizing it's Monday morning, 10 is a kidney-sized kidney stone. Our "Who's Faking Cam" will watch as 10 patients describe their pain and pick a number. One contestant is actually an actor trying out for a part on "House." You get to vote on who's faking. (Standard text messaging rates apply.)

Covered or Not Covered Cam: Designed for anyone who's been screwed by an insurance company, meaning potential audiences can get no wider than this one. Watch as on-site adjusters remove the uncertainty from the process by tossing darts to determine whether that post-accident facial reconstruction is considered necessary or elective. (I'm thinking there's a "Deal or No Deal" angle here, but will leave that to the professionals.)

Triage Island Cam: If survival of the fittest should apply anywhere, it should be in the emergency room. If your choices are to compete with your fellow ER arrivals for the next available doctor or risk an excruciating eight-hour wait, my guess is that we're in for some mighty fine Internet entertainment. (Truly life-threatening cases excepted, of course … darn lawyers.)