Dear automakers: No, thanks ... and another thing

Isn't there enough mayhem on the road already?

I awaken today to this increasingly familiar story about "smart cars" - you know, your always-connected office/home-entertainment center on wheels -- written from the Consumer Electronics Show by the Boston Globe:

Coming soon to a garage near you is a car that will download your work schedule and trigger your alarm clock. By the time you get behind the wheel, the car will have analyzed the morning's traffic and weather and calculated the best route to get you to the office on time. You won't even have to touch the radio - it's already playing the same station you were listening to in the house. And as you pull away, it will shut the garage door and turn off the lights.

Am I the only one who rolls my eyes at this stuff? I have an alarm clock, there's only one practical route to work, and I already know how to use the buttons on my car radio. As it happens, my garage door opener is broken - meaning I have to actually open and close my garage door using nothing but brute force - yet still I do not want a car that will do that job for me (a new garage door opener, maybe, when finances permit). And, oh, I need to know the weather before I get into my car or else I don't know what to wear.

None of which should bother me in the least, I know, since everyone is entitled to their own toys, no matter how comically lazy they may make one appear, and the cars carrying these "smart" capabilities are for the most part out of my price range. However, the story does divert from the usual fanboy coverage of such technology to examine an important question, namely: How many lives will be lost so that behind-the-wheel stimulation junkies will be able to update their Facebook pages and watch YouTube videos while barreling down the interstate?

No one knows. There are experts quoted as saying this might be a problem. And there are, ahem, "experts" quoted as saying we should just stop worrying our little selves all to pieces.

"Technology can solve the problem that technology has created,'' said Mark C. Boyadjis, a senior analyst for research firm IHS iSuppli in Minneapolis.

The Ford Evos, for instance, will have a heart rate monitor that can detect stress in the driver. When that happens, the vehicle's digital instrument cluster will black out all the gauges that are not related directly to the driving at hand.

In other words, you'll be able to watch porn while you're driving, but only until you realize that you're watching porn while you're driving.

In the meantime, you'll be the Mayhem Guy from those hilarious Allstate commercials (here's my favorite: blind spot).

• Mobile Apps
• commuting
• Facebook
• Internet
• smart cars
• YouTube