"Dr. Seuss" discusses LAN design

This story was revitalized by my friend Jeff Wells, I thought it was a kick and like he says it is still true today.

The original story is from “HP Professional” magazine, sometime in the early ‘90s, the “And Another Thing” last page column by Gordon McLachlan. I retyped it in its entirety, since it doesn’t at this point appear to be stored anywhere on the ‘Net in text form. Old timers will recognize that the problems we faced then aren’t much improved today. . J. Wells, 07/2008

If I Ran the LAN

Editor’s Note: This month Gordon McLachlan gives us chapter and verse on the difficulties of managing corporate LANs. Our apologies to the late Dr. Seuss.

My name is McHooter, and I had a plan,

To buy some cheap clones and a peer-to-peer LAN.

We’d share all the printers and make files fly

All over the place, with the LAN I would buy!

But the Tech Weenies said, “Where’s your plan for this LAN?

You can’t get a network without a real plan!

What you call a plan is a Beancounter’s dream;

For a LAN plan you need a crack technical team!”

What plan could I need for my peer-to-peer LAN?

It’s small and it’s cheap, so we don’t need a plan!

We’ll plug in computers and hook up some wire.

All we’d get from a plan are costs that are higher!

Boondoggle – he is the Tech Weenie King,

Said, “It’s clear as can be that you don’t know a thing!

When I looked at your plan it was easy to see:

You didn’t dot all the ‘I’s, and cross all the ‘T’s!”

“But my plan is so easy,” said I with chagrin.

“There’s no need to put any more of your garbage in.

It’s simple, it’s clean, and it’s cheap and it’s small.

And it’s cost justified for just this much, and that’s all!”

Boondoggle said “No! We must go by the book!

And we’ll make sure you do it, by hook or by crook!

If you want to get funding and network support,

You’ll do what we say, or your plan will abort!”

“But I am McHooter! I’m running this show!

And I’ll show you all just how far I can go!

All I need is some hardware, some software and cable

And I’ll stack it all up on this old beat-up table!”

“Things change,” said Boondoggle, a smile on his face.

“And you don’t understand. You’re no technical ace.

There’s more to this LAN than McHooter’s computers!

There’s TCP/IP and E-mail and routers!

“There’s Network File System, and UNIX and DOS.

There’s error detection for stuff that gets lost.

We know all these things, and you’re stuck in a loop,

If you want our approval, you’ll jump through our hoop.”

“McHooter, old man,” said the Tech Weenie King,

“Our servers are UNIX on big Token Rings.

To talk to the mainframes we need to buy gateways

And routers with paths that go two, four or eight ways!”

“The problem,” said I, “is the standards you’ve set.

They’ll stop me from getting what I want to get!

If I buy what you want, then I’ll run out of money,

And I’ll have to get more, and that just isn’t funny.”

Said Boondoggle dryly, “We just make the rules up.

It’s your job to ante the corporate jewels up!

If you can’t afford it, you ought to make plans,

To lay off some people to buy your big LAN!”

I could see I’d get nowhere with this Tech Weenie dandy,

I had to go upstairs – up to El Queso Grande.

If anyone here could still get me my LAN,

The CEO, yes, he was clearly the man.

El Queso knows nothing of PCs and LANs,

But money will make him stand up on one hand.

To waste it is sinful and I’d make him think

That the Tech Weenie’s schemes would result in red ink!

So I said to El Queso, “A peer-to-peer LAN

Will get me as much as the Tech Weenies can,

With their TCP/IP and E-mail and gateways,

And routers with paths that go two, four or eight ways!”

“McHooter, am I, and if I ran this show,

I’d tell those Tech Weenies just where they could go.

If the Beancounter King ruled the Tech Weenies, too,

I’d change all their rules and make Boondoggle stew.”

“That’s a splendid idea that you’ve had there, McHooter.

I’ll give you control of the Weenie computers.

Mr. McHooter, you now run the show!

And the weenies report to the new CFO!”

So we bought all those clones and some peer-to-peer LANs

And we muddle along – do the best that we can.

But it’s costing us more of the company jewels

Than we thought that it should. So we need some new rules!

The views expressed in this article are my own and not those of my employeer

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