North Pole bailout

"Billions," sighed Santa, gazing forlornly across the busy North Pole workshop. "There's $700 billion for the bankers , $14 billion for the car companies, $50 billion for some guy named Ponzi. How am I supposed to compete with giveaways like that?"

Watch a slideshow of what $700 billion could buy you.

"Stop worrying, chief," said the elf standing at his elbow, clipboard in hand. "Remember, it's the thought that counts. Which reminds me, have you thought about what you're giving to the IT bigwigs? You always leave them until last."

"And no wonder," said Santa. "What do I give to, say, Steve Jobs? He's the king of Apple and biggest stockholder at Disney. He even got to read his own obituary this year, when Bloomberg published it by mistake. What's left?"

"Maybe a ticket to Macworld in January?" said the elf. "It's the first time in years he'll have a chance to see the keynote speech, since he's not giving it. Bill Gates is always a problem for you, too."

"Not this year," said Santa. "We'll give him some Seinfeld DVDs. Maybe then he can figure out what Jerry Seinfeld was babbling to him in those TV commercials . What about Steve Ballmer ? He really wanted to get Yahoo this year. Then he didn't. Then he did. Then didn't."

"Ballmer and Yahoo boss Jerry Yang could use some relationship counseling," said the elf, making a note on his clipboard. "Or maybe just a book by Dr. Phil. How about the Google guys?"

"Poor Larry and Sergey and Eric," said Santa. "Google stock dropped from $700 to $300 this year. They were billionaires, and now they're only... billionaires. What do you give guys who have their own phone, their own Web browser, their own mail and applications...."

"And their own 70% market share in search?" said the elf. "Let's give them the list for a scavenger hunt and see if they're really any good at finding things. How about Larry Ellison ?"

"A sailor suit," said Santa. "He's hoping to win the America's Cup again next year. Besides, he's already got the best gift any CEO could have -- a president named Safra Catz. She's the one who actually runs the show and knits together all of Oracle's acquisitions."

"And for her, knitting needles, right?" smirked the elf. Santa frowned. "OK, we'll work on that one," the elf continued. "What about Mark Hurd, the big boss at Hewlett-Packard?"

"Give him the phone numbers of Michael Dell and Scott McNealy," grumbled Santa. "At the rate things are going at Dell and Sun, they'll be working for him soon."

"Aw, don't be like that, chief," said the elf. "How about John McCain's campaign staff? After the election, they sold their used BlackBerries for $20 each at a yard sale. Turned out the devices still contained e-mails, phone numbers, the works."

"They can share a copy of BlackBerry for Dummies ," said Santa. "But nothing for Terry Childs, that network admin in San Francisco who's still in jail because he wouldn't give anyone else the passwords to the city's network."

"What about a punching bag?" asked the elf. "He seems to have anger management issues."

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