Five bone-headed (and potentially deadly) ways stupid people will use Google Goggles

The Darwin Awards are about to get a whole slew of nominees

Google Glasses: They're all out of bubblegum
By now I'm sure you've heard about Google's new experimental glasses that will run on Android and will beam text and images directly to your eyeballs.  The New York Times' Nick Bilton has a good description:

Google is expected to start selling eyeglasses that will project information, entertainment and, this being a Google product, advertisements onto the lenses. The glasses are not being designed to be worn constantly — although Google engineers expect some users will wear them a lot — but will be more like smartphones, used when needed, with the lenses serving as a kind of see-through computer monitor.

“It will look very strange to onlookers when people are wearing these glasses,” said William Brinkman, graduate director of the computer science and software engineering department at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. “You obviously won’t see what they can from the behind the glasses. As a result, you will see bizarre body language as people duck or dodge around virtual things.”

While this certainly sounds very cool, I can't help but think of all the totally idiotic things that stupid people are inevitably going to do once they get their hands on these glasses.  In fact, I've thought about it so much that I've decided to make a list of all the sublimely moronic and occasionally deadly uses that future Darwin Award nominees will have for this newfangled gadget.  (And yes, nitpickers, I'm sure that you won't be able to do all of the stupid things I list here with the glasses.  That's why this is a blog entry and not a news report.)

So without further ado, here are five bone-headed (and potentially deadly) ways stupid people will use Google Goggles:

-One: Some moron will use the glasses to read up on the price listings and specifications of the new Ford truck that's barrelling toward him.  Yes, the glasses help you identify products and provide you with information about them.  I'm not sure that's such a good idea for people who are crossing the street, however.  

-Two: Some numbskull will install a racing game onto the glasses and take his car for a spin.  It's not hard to imagine a video game fan installing the Android version of Need for Speed onto their Google Goggles and pretending they're Dale Earnhardt Jr.  For the sake of local law enforcement officials and pedestrians everywhere, let's hope nobody ever decides to download Grand Theft Auto onto their glasses.

-Three: Some brain-addled acidhead will take tons of hallucinogens and expect the Google Goggles to provide him with information about his far-out and guh-roooovy visions.  For obvious reasons this won't end well.  The best-case scenario is that our hippie actually hallucinates what he thinks the glasses will tell him about what he's seeing, thus relegating the damage he's capable of doing to writing bad poetry and playing the dulcimer.  The worst case scenario is that he sees nothing, gets frustrated and has a really bad trip.  Either way, consuming large quantities of psychedelic drugs isn't recommended, especially when you're wearing Google Goggles.

Four: Some troglodyte will integrate online dating profiles into their glasses and use that information to try to pick people up in bars.  This is where things can get pretty creepy.  Imagine you're just sitting in a bar minding your own business when some guy wearing silly-looking shades strolls up to you and says, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?  No, don't say anything, your eHarmony profile says you're a Capricorn!"  While this may seem like a stretch, keep in mind that these glasses are designed to recognize objects and faces and then deliver you data based on what Google finds.  So if you're wondering why so many bespeckled suitors know that your dog's name is Lord Barkington and that your most embarrassing secret is that you still sleep with a teddy bear named Stevie, blame Google Goggles.

Five: Some sadistic nitwit will buy Google Goggles for their dog.  It's bad enough that people are already buying Snuggies for their dogs, and now our poor canine pals may have to put up with Google Goggles as well.  Look, people, Rover doesn't need the springer spaniel Wikipedia page to pop up every time he goes in for a sniff of your neighbor's dog.  Nor does he need to know that the car he's chasing is a 2010 Toyota Camry.  And no, he doesn't need to know that the socks he just chewed up are available in a two-for-one sale at the Banana Republic this week.  For God's sake, people, dogs are happiest when their lives are simple!  Leave your poor dog alooooooooone!

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