Samsung Galaxy S III launch sets new standards for bombast and pomposity

Smartphone launches are getting comically pretentious

Samsung phones

Samsung took the wraps off its new Galaxy S III today and from the initial look, it's pretty sweet.  But Samsung's grand unveiling of the device was most notable for the new benchmarks it set for pomposity and bombast as the company made its new device sound more like the Tao Te Ching than a smartphone.  Here's a sampler of things that assorted Samsung executives actually said about the Galaxy S III today:

  • "It opens up new horizons and allows you to live your life extraordinarily."
  • "The Galaxy S3 is more like a good friend that listens intently and responds."
  • "With the Samsung Galaxy S III we tried to recreate the wonders of nature... our highly-regarded interface was enhanced with nature and human emotion."
  • "It sees, it listens and it knows our needs... The Samsung Galaxy S III will be the hero of the Olympic games that are right around the corner."

And my personal favorite:

  • "The Samsung Galaxy S III really was designed for humans."

Well isn't that a relief.  Incidentally, Samsung execs mentioned that the phone was "designed for humans" multiple times, no doubt leaving the cheetahs, elves and jellyfish who hoped to get their paws/hands/tentacles on it bitterly disappointed.

Added to all the absurd testaments to the Galaxy S III's life-changing capabilities was the presentation itself, which featured soothing elevator music played by the London Symphony Orchestra.  Yes, our modern culture has become so debased that one of the world's premiere orchestras probably made money playing the introduction music for a smartphone than it did playing an entire season's worth of Schubert, Ravel and Brahms.  Heck, maybe the LSO could get more money if it changed the names of the works it played to those of popular consumer gadgets, such as Stravinsky's "Rite of Samsung" and Debussy's "Prelude to the Afternoon of the HTC Evo 4G LTE."

At any rate, I'm already sounding like a cranky old man (even though I'm only 32) so I think that means it's time to stop my mad rant.  But I can tell you this much: Touching the Samsung Galaxy S III will be up there with getting married and the birth of my first child as one of the greatest moments of my life.  Or at least that's what Samsung tells me.

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