Starting up in 2012

08:52 Welcome to the Microsoft Windows Horizon operating system. Today is July 10, 2012. The temperature outside is 105 degrees Fahrenheit, the wind speed is 40 knots gusting to 80 knots, the air pollution level is extreme and the UV level is dangerous. The Homeland Security Threat Level is red.

09:03 To log on, please enter your name and password. Thank you, your account is valid. Please touch the fingerprint scanner. Thank you, your fingerprint is recognized. Please look into the retinal scanner. Thank you, retinal scan passed.

09:05 Please place a drop of blood on the analyzer. Thank you, your DNA is recognized. We note your sugar and albumen levels are high. Your health insurance provider has been notified and your doctor informed as per the Miller Limbaugh Computer Users Health Reporting Act of 2008. The mandatory $1 health check fee will be added to your Microsoft Service Account.

09:06 Please say: "I accept all license terms and conditions and surrender all legal rights to any and all compensation in the event of loss of time, data or employment due to use or misuse of any Microsoft products and services." Thank you, your voice profile is recognized.

09:07 Please wait.

09:15 Microsoft thanks you for your interest in Windows Horizon (aka Vista 3). To ensure this is a valid copy, we will now enter the authentication phase.

09:20 Microsoft has been contacted over the Internet and your connection speed has been verified to be adequate. The verification process can be speeded up for a $5 fee added to your Microsoft Service Account. Say or click "yes" to log on quicker or "no" to skip and continue.

09:21 Thank you, your logon has been accelerated.

09:31 Please wait.

09:40 Your hardware has been verified and tested. The standard testing charge of $1.50 will be added to your Microsoft Service Account.

09:41 Warning: A potential drive failure has been detected on drive No. 3. An early alert charge of $0.50 will be added to your Microsoft Service Account. This drive is, according to your retailer, still under warranty. To alert the manufacturer to send a replacement drive, say "yes"; a $2 charge will be added to your Microsoft Service Account.

09:42 Thank you. Microsoft is pleased to offer you FastSwap. FastSwap will copy your data to the manufacturer where it will be installed on a replacement drive. Microsoft will then initiate archiving all new data written to the old drive, and update the new drive upon installation. A charge of $75 for this service will be added to your Microsoft Service Account. Say or click "yes" to take advantage of this service or "no" to skip and continue.

09:43 Thank you, FastSwap has started; you will be notified when the replacement drive is shipped. Note that your ISP will charge you for excessive bandwidth usage during this process; the estimated charge will be $230.

09:54 Your recent request to install an application not approved by Microsoft has been denied. A processing fee of $50 will be added to your Microsoft Service Account.

09:55 Please wait.

10:15 Microsoft Windows Horizon is validating the operating system installation as well as all software on your system. This process will take approximately 60 minutes.

11:25 The copy of Windows Office 25 installed on this machine appears to be invalid. This machine will now shut down and a Microsoft Service representative accompanied by a Homeland Security agent will visit your office within the next 48 to 72 hours to check and validate your licensing. We are sorry for any inconvenience.

11:26 Please have all documentation ready to avoid extra fees. We advise you to have your legal counsel present. A processing fee of $20 will be added to your Microsoft Service Account.

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