10 iPhone wellness apps for the comically lazy

iPhone apps that purport to help you stop hair loss, increase your sex drive and even perform your own surgeries!

Don't bother exercising or visiting your doctor ever again if you've got an iPhone

If there's one thing we Americans enjoy less than paying taxes, it's exercise and wellness. Oh sure, we'd all love to have rock-hard abs and ripped biceps, but when it comes time to actually put the work in, we instinctively reach for an extra order of fries.

But thanks to the advent of the iPhone, staying in shape no longer has to be a miserable and arduous task! The 10 iPhone apps in this slideshow all promise to help countless users achieve a perfect body, hair and skin complexion while putting in as little effort as possible. From restoring hair loss to improving your sex life to instructing you on how to perform major surgeries, these apps promise to help you do just about anything and everything you want.

(Of course, whether they actually deliver on those promises is a pretty dodgy proposition…)

Push-Ups Dojo

Push-Ups Dojo

Push ups are an efficient way to get your triceps and pectorals in shape. They're also monotonous and not very much fun. But thankfully, NEC BIGLOBE has developed an app that turns doing push ups into a game where you see how many times you can touch your nose to your iPhone screen.

A couple of concerns arise at this point. First, this seems like a risky endeavor for 90-pound weaklings who are just as likely to slip after one push up and come crashing down chin-first into their expensive iPhone. Second, wouldn't it be more fun to just put a cupcake down on the ground and slowly take bites out of it with each push up? Sure, it would negate some of the exercise you gained but it has more appeal than jamming your face repeatedly into a plastic screen.

Developer: NEC BIGLOBE Ltd

Price: $0.99

Tan Plan

Tan Plan

If you're a narcissist who is obsessed with your own skin complexion, this is your ideal application. Tan Plan's main function is to help you take time-stamped pictures of your own skin while laying out in the sun in order to track your tanning process. Even worse, the app lets you "e-mail your skinshots to friends or family," which is a great way to guarantee that you'll never be invited to any parties or family reunions ever again.

Developer: Portable Databases

Price: Free

HairTracker

HairTracker

Talk about excitement – this app lets you track your loss of virility and attractiveness in real time! HairTracker helps you take daily pictures of your scalp to "easily monitor your vertex area and hairline for any sign of loss or thinning." Since hair loss tends to be a one-way process, you can imagine that this app would get very depressing after a while. Indeed, I'd wager that after a month of using it, most men are reduced to spending their evenings in cafes where they dress entirely in black, smoke clove cigarettes and write existentialist poetry about the emptiness of the universe.

Developer: iLaVistaWare

Price: $1.99

Hair Growth

Hair Growth

But wait a minute! There's hope for HairTracker users yet! The Hair Growth application promises to help grow your hair back using nothing but the magical power of your iPhone! How does this new wonder of science work, you ask? Well apparently the app is a "Color-Light and Sound Therapy treatment" that "uses a very specific three color and sound formula to help cleanse, oxygenate, and nurture the scalp, and finally repair the hair follicle" by helping "to stimulate blood flow to the scalp and promote follicle alertness."

There are two big reasons why this app is a crock. First, I'm pretty sure that it's impossible to "promote follicle alertness" by rubbing your iPhone against your scalp every day. The only way this could possibly work would be for your hair to say, "Ugh, that dummy we're attached to is scanning us with the glowing iPhone again. We'd better grow to get him to stop." Second, the app is only sold for $1.99. You'd think that a miracle hair growth program such as this one would be worth a little more than a Sunday newspaper.

Developer: United Holdings Corp.

Price: $1.99

Vibrate Massager

Vibrate Massager

Why pay big money for a professional masseuse when you can help ease muscle tension with your all-powerful iPhone? The Vibrate Massager uses your phone's vibrate function to convert it into a muscle relaxation machine. As goofy as this sounds, it's not hard to imagine some jerk in your office walking into work one day with 20 vibrating iPhones strapped to his back and saying in a shaky voice, "Iiiiii'm lllllllivvvvvving the ggggggood lllllllife nnnnnnow, bbbbbaaaabbbby!"

Developer: GoodCode

Cost: Free

Fast Food Calorie Counter

Fast Food Calorie Counter

While this app is certainly well-designed , it suffers from the faulty premise that you can "reconcile your diet with your love for fast food." The reality is that if you want to go on an actual diet, it should involve exercising and eating vegetables, since gorging yourself on only two Big Macs a day instead of your normal five probably won't help you shed pounds very efficiently. But hey, if you really think you can lose weight and still wolf down fast food, I hear Taco Bell's got a diet they'd be happy to sell you…

Developer: Concrete Software, Inc.

Price: $0.99

Custom Hypnosis

Custom Hypnosis

Like a lot of things worth doing in life, exercising on a regular basis takes both determination and will power. For those people who have neither of these qualities, there's an iPhone app that will try to hypnotize you into exercising more. The app promises to work for you in a variety of settings, whether they're "long sessions at home" or even "short sessions at the office." Call me crazy, but I can't imagine the embarrassment of missing a key meeting at work because I was too busy having my phone hypnotize me into doing a sit-up.

Give the Custom Hypnosis team points for honesty, though, as they put the following truthful disclaimer on their App Store page: "The developers of this application are in no way suggesting they are medical doctors or are offering medical advice. Custom Hypnosis is for individual recreational use only and although some positive results may be achieved, personal medical advice is not intended or implied."

Developer: Zachary Carter

Price: $1.99

Ultimate Basic Training

Ultimate Basic Training

Listen up, maggot! This application's mission is to get your sorry behind in shape for the United States armed forces! To that end, it is promising to help you "be prepared for military fitness and learn how to deal with your drill sergeants." Among other things, the app gives you a list of five things "to NEVER do in front of a drill sergeant." This raises the question: If you upset your virtual drill sergeant in the app, will he make you scrub the virtual latrine with your virtual toothbrush?

Incidentally, this app has interesting crossover potential with the Push-Ups Dojo: "Give me 50 push-ups, maggot, and I better see your worthless nose touch that iPhone screen every time!"

Developer: MotherApp

Price: Free

Full Sex Drive

Full Sex Drive

This is a family publication, so we won't delve too deeply into the details of Full Sex Drive. Needless to say, this app-rodisiac uses "a tested binary tone that improves the quality of your sexual ability while a soft glow of light is displayed." And you know, whatever. If you find that you need to bring an iPhone with you to bed just to get yourself in the mood, your marriage has far bigger problems that won't be solved by trippy New Age beats and color patterns.

Developer: InTekOne, LLC

Price: $1.99

Surgical Dictation

Surgical Dictation

This app, while obviously well-intentioned and designed specifically for medical students, has "disaster" written all over it. Why? Because although the app bills itself simply as a "handbook is compiled with sample dictations from fictional cases of classic patients receiving common operations," we all know some schlub will see it as a do-it-yourself surgery handbook that will give him the ability to perform his wife's triple bypass all by himself. Hey, why pay lots of money to a fancy-pants doctor when you can just have your iPhone tell you how to amputate your own big toe?

Developer: Tech 2000, Inc.

Price: $5.99

We want to hear from you! Would you use any of these apps to improve your personal well-being? Or does the thought of your Uncle Steve practicing experimental surgery on himself scare the living daylights out of you? Let us know in the comments!

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Copyright © 2010 IDG Communications, Inc.

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