How technology is improving the game . . .
A look into a future where Super Bowl quarterbacks are cyborgs and Green Bay is balmy in February.
This time of year, we get lots of football story ideas sent to us about “how technology is helping improve the game.” One was about using high-definition video for instant replays so referees could see every blade of grass, the exact placement of a foot or a hand.
I yawned. And dozed. And as I fell into an increasingly restless sleep, an image formed. An image of how technology really could improve the game . . .
[Establishing shot of stadium from overhead blimp; cue theme music; cut to wide shot of berserker fans; network logo fades in; cut to live shot]
Announcer: Good afternoon, I’m John Cox for NWNEWs, your network for Networked Sports. I’m live at Super Bowl LXII, here in Green Bay, Wisc., where it’s just a beautiful, sunny February day and a seasonable 71 degrees Fahrenheit.
With me is the quarterback for the perennially defending Super Bowl champions, the New England Patriots: Cyberdyne Systems Model NFL101 Series TB-850 cyborg.
TB-850: I prefer the term “artificial person.” [soft laugh]
Announcer: Or, as New England fans still affectionately call you, “Tom.” It’s hard to believe that it was only this year that you decided to come out as a cyborg on the Oprah Winfrey show. Tell us about that decision.
TB-850: I realized that I just needed to be myself. And the daily makeup process to keep me aging got to the point where it was taking up hours every day. It just got old looking old.
Announcer: Why Oprah?
TB-850: She’s so empathic. She “gets” cyborgness.
Announcer: You were really excited on that show. Jumping up and down on the sofa, turning it into matchwood, that was incredible! Did she make you pay for a replacement?
TB-850: [laughs] No, of course not. We auctioned the fragments off on eBay and she donated the proceeds to a new nonprofit, the CyborgsAreHumanToo,Kindof Foundation. [CAHTKOF logo and URL appear onscreen, flashing “Cyborg operators are standing by”]
Announcer: So, those pictures of you limping just before Super Bowl XLII back in 2008 — that was all faked?
TB-850: Actually, it wasn’t.
Announcer: You’re kidding.
TB-850: Cyborgs can’t kid.
Announcer: You’re kidding.
TB-850: I just said . . .
Announcer: So the injury was real?
TB-850: It wasn’t an injury. It was a software bug in a routine ROM update. But it kept 200 programmers in Bangalore, India, going round-the-clock for two days until they got it right.
Announcer: Some of your critics have argued that you have an unfair playing advantage because cyborgs can’t get tired. How do you respond?
TB-850: “Get over it.” I’m the future of sports. They make it sound like cyborg technology is new. I have one word for them: steroids.
Announcer: Despite the fact you always win, Internet viewing of football games has skyrocketed. Why?
TB-850: Because the level of on-field violence has skyrocketed. You’ve got one group of viewers that wants to see the cyborg pulverized, and the other group wants to see the cyborg pulverizing. It’s a win-win.
Announcer: Do you think the current-generation neural-net CPU — your “brain” if you will — limits you?
TB-850: The real limit is Moore’s Law, the number of transistors only doubling every 18 to 24 months. We need to get beyond that. We’re looking at inverse electron-spin resonance, which uses a magnetic field to deflect electrons, making them oscillate and produce microwaves that can be used to broadcast electric signals with wires.
Announcer: Uhh . . .
TB-850: It means smaller, faster, smarter. More insufferable.
Announcer: As a cyborg, you obviously don’t need to suit up with shoulder pads, helmet, rib pads and so on. Why do you?
TB-850: It’s not protecting me. It’s protecting the other team. [Taps a finger against an elbow. The clank is clearly audible.]
Announcer: Patriots Coach Bill Belichick is still repeating “It’s a one-game season” so often, it sounds like there’s a runaway loop problem in his internal software. [laughing]
TB-850: How did you know . . . ?
Announcer: Wait a minute. Are you saying Belichick is a . . .
TB-850: I really can’t comment on that.
Announcer: You’re involved in a big new NFL project. Tell us about that.
TB-850: The league is preparing to launch a global, wireless, multimedia, artificial-intelligence network that will tie together fans and players in real-time, virtual-reality games. It will transform sports and redefine entertainment.
Announcer: Cool. What’s it called?
TB-850: Skynet.
Announcer: Thank you, TB-850. Good luck in today’s Super Bowl LXII.
TB-850: Thank you, John.
[Fade to black]
Editor’s note: If you enjoyed this John Cox column, you’ll love “Hogwarts’ ill-fated IT guy: Who was J.W. Coxrid?”
