Enough about what matters, here’s what doesn’t, or won’t by the time we hit 2009 — from A to Z.
A … Apple in the enterprise, still. A few Macs for those temperamental artists, a couple of iPhones for the suits. Done. … Also AOL, not that it ever mattered to me, but you know AOL has drifted from this mortal coil when its gossip site, TMZ.com, tries to besmirch the good name of Marie Osmond by alleging that she staged her infamous fainting spell. The nerve.
See our slideshow of what matters least.
B … Ballmer bombast about pretty much anything, but especially Google, does not matter. … Also, blog critics, who as a group have become unbearably tedious in addition to being demonstrably wrong about the importance of these personalized soapboxes.
C … Civil liberties — on the phone, the Internet, even real life — won’t matter again until Jan. 20, 2009, at the earliest, depending on what happens Nov. 4, 2008. … Also, Cuban, Mark, who’s worn out his welcome as a dancer and blogger; and the compact disc, which having turned 25 in 2007 is circling the drain.
D … Digital rights management and DSL don’t matter, the former being an exercise in futility and the latter being technological fish wrapper.
E … E-cards, e-petitions and e-voting: Don’t dare open the first, don’t bother signing the second, and don’t ever trust the third.
F … Fake Steve Jobs was very funny, but he’s over; the country yearns for a new fake celebrity executive.
G … Green IT, at least in the tree-hugging sense; c’mon people, it’s all about cutting costs, not saving the planet, so let’s come up with a more honest buzzword.
H … HTTP, at least the version we’ve all come to know and love, as the uber-geeks at the IETF are busily plotting an upgrade if not an overthrow.
I … IPv4 and IPv6. The former doesn’t matter because, as everyone should know by now, address space is running dry. The latter doesn’t matter because no one seems anxious to spend big bucks on it. Anyone want to rally around IPv5? … Also, ICANN, a perennial; and, the Ideal Digital Kitchen from the Internet Home Alliance, because no one needs a “recipe projection system.”
J … The Justice Department’s opinion on network neutrality matters in much the same way that its take on country music would: not at all.
K … Kumar, Sanjay, one-time CA CEO, now doing time for cooking the books.
L … Land lines, with a quarter of under-30s going cell only, it’s only a matter of when they won’t matter.
M … Marketing blogs because, well, they’re marketing blogs.
N … Novell, sadly. Remember the days when Novell mattered, also known as the days when it battled instead of cozying up to Microsoft? Seems like eons ago.
O … Opposition to online gambling won’t matter for much longer, both because it is futile and I wish it so.
P … Public opinion, because it’s always about the money. … Also, privacy, online and off; Paul, Ron; PowerPoint presentations, because they rot your brain; Propeller (you’ve never heard of it; proves my point); packaged software; PBX, and .pdf spam. Heck the entire letter P seems not to matter anymore.
Q … Quiznos, because I’ve grown tired of the toasty thing and I need a Q.
R … RadioShack, quoting great Onion headline: “Even CEO can’t figure out how RadioShack is still in business.” … Also, RegisterFly, which really is out of business and deservedly so.
S … Stuart Scott, once a high-flying CIO at Microsoft, now a notorious COO for a mortgage company. … Also, Second Life, which will be rendered irrelevant by a third; SCO, thankfully; and any server running a Linux operating system other than from Red Hat.
T … TSA will matter less to the flying public when getting your gadgets through security becomes easier as sanity slowly returns to air travel. … Also, tasers, because the lawyers will insist.
U … UFOs and I’ve got 10 good reasons, starting with the curiously elusive alien monkey wrench.
V … Vonage, because everyone’s already had their turn suing it, including a company that’s out of business. … Also, “virtual marriage,” a zany notion cooked up by a Gartner analyst.
W … Weep not for WEP; the Wired Equivalent Privacy standard may not matter any more, but served long and well.
X … Now I love xkcd as much as the next guy with too much time on his hands, but let’s face facts: This strip has become so popular that a backlash is inevitable. … Also, the proposed top-level domain .xxx, which isn’t ever going happen.
Y … Yahoo because Google rules the world.
Z … Zune, naturally.
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