The Senate late yesterday rubber-stamped another five-year term for FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, a marginal news event if ever there was one, but one that nonetheless sent the BellSouth public relations department into full boot-licking mode. Martin, of course, has a say in the pending acquisition of BellSouth by AT&T.
From this morning’s BellSouth press release: “The following statement may be attributed to Herschel Abbott, BellSouth vice president – governmental affairs:” Oftentimes “may be attributed to” means the person didn’t actually say the quotes that will follow, although I have no idea whether that’s the case in this instance. So here’s what Abbott, or someone putting words in his mouth, has to say about Chairman Martin and his winning another term:
“We congratulate Chairman Martin on his re-confirmation.”
OK, merely polite, you might even call that understated. But Abbott is just beginning to polish the apple.
Mr. Martin has improved the processes at the FCC, which has resulted in public interest gains for consumers. His willingness and ability to tackle difficult issues that need to be dealt with has been a hallmark of his chairmanship.”
Leadership might have been better than chairmanship there at the end, but I nitpick. Notice the obligatory yet deft nod to consumer interest; straight out of Antitrust Dodging 101. Hallmark’s a dandy word too; and remember, it works even when you’re being sarcastic instead of fawning.
“Under his leadership the FCC has eliminated unnecessary broadband regulations while maintaining strong consumer protections, with the result that broadband has exploded and DSL prices have declined.”
Bingo, there’s leadership, and kudos for resisting the temptation to add a gratuitous adjective. Then we get more mumbo-jumbo about the consumer, with an anti-regulation jab thrown in for the old one-two. And, the man is saving us money, for crying out loud — never forget to emphasize the pocketbook angle. Smooth.
“He brings enormous knowledge and skill to the position as well as a fertile and productive mind. His decisions have been equitable and balanced.”
Someone cue Keith Jackson: “Whoaaa, Nellie” … “enormous knowledge and skill” … “fertile and productive mind” … “equitable and balanced.”
That, my good friends, is Hall of Fame-caliber butt smooching.
“We look forward to continuing to work with him.”
How could the feeling be anything but mutual?
