Corporate life often involves insanity. This is one man's tale.
The following tale of corporate lunacy was recently posted to The Listerve by Dennis (really, just “Dennis”). Apparently the story got a good response on the list and Dennis told me “The feedback I’m getting vindicates every decision I’ve ever second-guessed in my life. Which is to say, all of them.”
I asked Dennis if this story is true and he claims that it’s all almost true. I’m publishing the tale because I suspect this is the kind of corporate insanity that many of you will relate to.
If you have a your own story of corporate insanity that you’d be willing to share (anonymously or otherwise) drop me a note at feedback@gibbs.com; there may be a prize. Or not. Depends on how good the stories are.
Cast:
TIM, the Manager
DENNIS, the Worker
DANIEL, the unrepentant sycophant
Scene: Cubicle farm, just before lunch.
TIM: Dennis, what’s the status on this job? It’s been in the queue for months.
DENNIS: Yes it has, Tim. It’s a lower priority.
TIM: Well, why is it not done? How long could it possibly take you to do this?
DENNIS: Like I started to say, the jobs I have been able to complete are all greater priorities. Are you taking them into consideration when you ask?
TIM: None of that matters here. I’m only asking about this job.
DENNIS: All right then. It’s not done, Tim, because we don’t have nearly enough staff to keep up with all the work coming in. You know this.
TIM: Well, this is all Corporate will give us. We have this many man hours to work with.
DENNIS: Then obviously it’s not all going to be tended. Some things will have to go neglected. The low-priority job before us, for examp—
TIM: Unacceptable. How do we support our customers with the resources we have?
DENNIS: Tim, it’s a simple matter of arithmetic. We have this much work coming in. Each job at a bare minimum takes x amount of time. You might as well ask how to make two plus two equal five.
TIM: Well, our management dictates it, so how do we go about making two plus two equal five?
DENNIS:
TIM: You know, all I’m asking for is a little cooperation. You talk about promotion during your yearly review, I need a little cooperation from you.
DENNIS [patiently]: Okay Tim. I am trying to explain the facts to you as they are.
TIM: You’re a Negative Nancy. Try to think positive.
DENNIS: Doesn’t matter how you think about it, Tim. Two plus two will only ever equal four. Acknowledging that reality shouldn’t make me a pessimist.
TIM: [calls out] Daniel, could you come in here?
DANIEL: Sure, boss! What can I do ya for, amigo? Heh, heh, heh.
TIM: We’re talking about our workload. How long would it take you to complete this job?
DENNIS: Tim, as I’ve said before, we have to priorit—
DANIEL: This job? This would take me three seconds. Heh, heh, heh.
TIM: Dennis here hasn’t done the job yet and he’s had months!
DANIEL: Heh, heh, heh.
DENNIS: Listen! First of all—
TIM: Daniel, I bet you could you make two plus two equal five.
DANIEL: Well let me think. What if we stretched the twos? Wouldn’t that help?
TIM: See? Now THAT’s the kind of innovation we need around here! We could stretch the numbers! That would almost give us five.
DENNIS: You ******* morons! Forty hours still equals forty hours! The only way to believe otherwise is to willfully deny reality.
TIM: I choose to reject your negativity. I like the things I’m hearing from Daniel much more. Daniel, you’re hereby promoted above Dennis.
DENNIS: If you want to behave responsibly, Tim, you will tell Corporate the truth. If they want five out of us, they’ll have to give us more than two plus two.
TIM: Actually they want a hundred. We really have to make two plus two equal one hundred.
DENNIS: Even one as deluded as you can see that is impossible.
TIM: Nope! How do we make two plus two equal a hundred? Daniel?
DANIEL: I think what Dennis is trying to say is he thinks it’s impossible. But what if we morphed the twos into sevens? Won’t that get us almost to a hundred? Heh, heh, heh.
TIM: YES! Daniel you are promoted again!
DENNIS: I can’t participate in this lunacy.
Exit Dennis, stage left.
