Might not bring the band back — definitely won’t light your joint

What’s up with this wussified iScorch instead of a lighter business? Back in the day, man, we didn’t think nuthin’ of sucking up a faceful of butane or setting the frizzy-haired girl in the next row on fire. All that mattered was getting Deep Purple back out to do “Smoke on the Water” and everybody knows they might skip town if we don’t yell ourselves hoarse and hoist enough cigarette lighters to show the band they forgot to sing their biggest hit. … The flames, they were like magic, man. But kids today? Hell, they’re not willing to pay the price. No flint-skinned fingers for this generation. Ooh-ooh-oooow, that damn lighter can get hot, you know. Pitiful. And the iScorch peddlers just egg them on: “When your favorite band blows the roof off the joint, pay them tribute with iScorch! Gone are the days of burnt fingers! Strained thumbs are banished to the land of wind and ghosts! Save the fuel in those lighters for the more important task of killing yourself by smoking!” OK, that last part is funny. But they go on: “The next concert you go to, you’ll be paying homage to the band not with a lighter but with iScorch and iPod. Download iScorch for iPod Video, Nano or Photo and hold your iPods high! Be the first to usher in a new era of musical appreciation.” And if the band just gets on the bus and heads for its next show in Chicago, or Detroit, I don’t know, well, it’ll serve every last one of them iPod-carrying crybabies right. … Rock on.