This just in: The WorldWide Wi-Fi Association announced today that it has solved the perennial annoying problem of poor reception. This amazing advance is called . . . wires.
Warren Buffett announced today that he is splitting his stock 30,000:1. “I wanted Berkshire Hathaway stock to be affordable by the previous billionaire telecom entrepreneurs. The price will now be $2 per share – about 10 times what their own companies’ stock is worth,” he said.
Larry Ellison resigned as CEO of Oracle to join a group of dyslexic, agnostic insomniacs who stay up all night debating, “Is there a Dog?”
The cable industry cut price to consumers from $80 per month to $2 per month. The National Cable Television Association said it decided to price its product based on the customer’s relative satisfaction.
3Com changed its name to 2.5Com.
Cisco CEO John Chambers revealed today that he has given up all hope of selling the telecom industry anything, saying, “Those guys at Lucent and Nortel are doing a great job, so we are leaving the field.”
BellSouth said today that it was going to reduce the cost it charges AT&T because “what’s fair is fair.”
The teenagers of America voluntarily have agreed to stop downloading music and file swapping because “theft of intellectual property is just wrong.”
The Cellular Industry Association admitted today that cell phones did cause cancer in laboratory rats. The industry agreed to stop selling cellular service to rats.
Bill Goodman of Silver Spring, Md., became the first American to receive a correct telephone bill.
AOL Time Warner admitted today that instant messaging now is the second-greatest threat to mankind. The greatest threat: feature creep.
Bill Gates fired Steve Ballmer as CEO of Microsoft, saying, “I never really liked that guy. How he lasted this long is beyond me.”
Steve Jobs said today . . . absolutely nothing.
Paul Allen admitted that he was the luckiest human being on earth.
Carly Fiorina published a book today called The HP HalfWay.
The partners at Kleiner Perkins have begun arrogance assertiveness training. “Contrition isn’t our thing,” said Vinod Khosla and John Doerr.
QualComm CEO Irwin Jacobs admitted that he never believed in Code Division Multiple Access, but was just goofing people. “Nobody can take a joke anymore,” he was heard to remark.
Global Crossing unveiled a new plan today. Instead of just wiring the oceans, they’re going to stretch a wire to the moon and back. Goldman Sachs has underwritten the offering.
The Knowledge Industry Association disbanded with little fanfare, since no one quite knew why it ever existed.
India announced today that it had just passed the 600,000,000th person who works in the call center industry in that country. Every company in the U.S. now has its call center in India. India no longer accepts immigration requests from U.S. citizens who wish to seek employment there.
Yankee Group CEO Brian Adamik was crowned King of Telecom because he’s the only person in the world who fully understands his long-distance options.
The European post, telegraph and telephone administrations, which together bid $150 billion for 3G licenses, collectively offered as a defense that they were temporarily addicted to mind-altering drugs, an announcement that surprised no one.
Motorola, the company that brought you Iridium, announced today that it has reconsidered and will relaunch 66 low-earth orbit satellites and bring back Iridium service after losing $3.5 billion and declaring bankruptcy. “Our service stunk, cost $7 per minute and wouldn’t work in buildings, but given the state of the cellular industry today, we are now at least competitive,” said company executive Robert Galvin.
Happy April Fools’ Day. (Because the industry hasn’t had a good laugh since Sprint introduced ION, I thought I’d inject some much-needed humor. On the other hand, seeing investment banker Frank Quattrone’s picture every day in The Wall Street Journal does have its moments.)
