Jesse and James swear by it

Quiz time: What do former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura and political pit bull James Carville have in common? Big mouths and not much hair, you say? . . . That’s a swell guess, but not the answer we’re looking for here.

Editor’s Note: This is a corrected version of a column that ran in the 7/14 Network World – which incorrectly stated Infone’s charges.

Quiz time: What do former Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura and political pit bull James Carville have in common?

Big mouths and not much hair, you say? . . . That’s a swell guess, but not the answer we’re looking for here.

Both men are featured on TV and radio commercials assuring us that Infone is the greatest addition to telephone utility since the answering machine made call screening possible.

Of course, any paid pitchman worth his Q rating would sing the praises of busy signals if that’s what the client happened to be selling, but let’s not get picky.

What I find interesting about the ubiquitous Infone commercials is what they say about the economy: The return of good times must be so close we can practically taste champagne bubbles in the air if an idea this frothy has enough lift to warrant a big-time ad campaign.

So what’s Infone all about? In an otherwise cloying FAQ section on its Web site, the company playfully bills itself as “All that is good and wholesome about the telephone business.”

But then it has to actually describe what it is selling.

“In addition to plain old directory assistance, we provide all sorts of personal assistant and concierge services. Just imagine: If you forget where your next meeting is, we’ll tell you the location and the meeting time; if you call for a restaurant, we can book a reservation for you; if you’re lost, we’ll give you driving directions; if you want to know what’s playing at the movies, a friendly operator will tell you.”

In other words, if you’re disorganized, disoriented and downright lazy, Infone has operators standing by to right your ship . . . and also liberate you from your cash at a rate of 89 cents for the first 15 minutes and a nickel a minute thereafter.

Infone is the brainchild of Metro One Telecommunications, which has handled directory assistance for cell phone companies for more than a decade. The people at Metro One are no doubt earnest men and women who sincerely see this service as a natural extension of their business: a convenience offering for the too-busy well-to-do; just right for the times . . . presuming we are about to turn the corner into economic recovery.

Another reason to distrust online polls

Last week I mentioned that my faith in online opinion polls has always been undercut chiefly by the knowledge that such surveys are inherently unreliable. Respondents choose for themselves whether to participate, which means there is no accounting for the inevitable biases that spur or deter replies.

Another reason these polls should be discounted is endemic to surveys of all kinds: Human nature dictates that some unknown number of people will respond in a way that makes them look or feel good, as opposed to telling the truth.

For example, take this question featured recently on the CNN Web site: “Have you ever criticized your boss in e-mail to co-workers?”

Out of the 75,000 or so who volunteered replies, 26% admitted they have used e-mail to rank on those who outrank them.

As for the other 74%? Sure there’s a saint or two in every crowd, but the majority had better not run around claiming their mothers raised no liars.

The columnist promises to read your e-mail. No lie. Try buzz@nww.com.